I remember: Testimony of the day 6/25/24

It's hard sometimes to think on the days of my second pregnancy and postpartum. But I never want to forget the gift that the Lord gave to me and my children. The gift of presence. I don't have many memories from my childhood. I believe this to be equal parts prayer and disassociation. My mothers prayers for my protection and my own minds coping and compartmentalizing. Much of my pregnancy and the first several months of my daughters life are similar. I look back at photos and I can see the absence in my eyes. I couldn't remember if I tried. The abuse was so bad that I had given up completely. I remember getting in the car each night at 9 months pregnant after the father of my children abandoned me yet again and begging God through my sobs to let me die so I wouldn't have to do it again the next day. I spent much of my days like a robot. emotionless and absent just going through the motions. I remember holding my 4lb daughter and looking at my 3 year old son and desperately wanting to give him my attention and my enthusiasm but not being able to pull myself up out of the puppet that had become the face of my misery. I was dead inside. Completely disconnected from my body. I prayed a silent broken prayer that someday I would be able to give him what he needed. I remember when my milk dried up from the stress coupled with me returning immediately to working full time just a week after her birth. I cried tears of relief that at least she would no longer have to drink of my grief. I remember looking at them, my sweet angel babies, and wondering who would love them and take care of them when I was dead and weeping because my strength to fight was gone. I remember telling my pastor that I knew I was going to die in this relationship and that I would die for him, but my kids needed me to live. I remember making sure my life insurance was in order and leaving the house with the intention of smashing my car into a wall. Stopping at the liquor store for some false courage. Slumping down on the wall and beginning to drink. A homeless man coming and slumping down a bit farther down the wall. And I remember so clearly then the Lord saying to me "Get up, go home, and be grateful for what you have."and I remember screaming at God curses and blasphemes that should have gotten me struck dead.

"You asked 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? It is I-- and I was talking bout things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said 'listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.' I had only heard about you before but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance."

-Job 42:3-6

I couldn't see it then but my destiny and my greatest blessings came through everything I endured. I lost everything, but in the middle of it I knew that I would be ok, because God was with us. My kids and I were safe and we were together and that was enough. But our great God in his abundant grace did something miraculous. He chose not just to save me from the brink of death, but to give me also a new life.

United with him in death I was raised to life by faith in the Son of God, Jesus Christ. Just short of three years later I am in awe of the life of peace that I now live. The joy that I feel when my kids laugh, or I watch the sunset, or a new flower pops up in the garden. I no longer need to escape my reality or hide or walk on egg shells. I no longer have to dumb myself down or keep my mouth shut. I no longer live in fear. I am free. But more than that I am celebrated. I am of sound mind and right thinking. I am used and approved by God himself to do his work on the Earth and spread the gospel. My life and happiness doesn't hang on the opinions of fickle man. I am the mother my kids need. I am building day by day a life that I love and walking in the will of the Father for me. Every turn there are new blessings and every trial ends in triumph.

I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to do the work, of climbing from the depths of the pit and starting to rebuild from the rubble of my life, but God had other plans. The hound of heaven chased me down and fought for me when I had nothing left to give. He placed a crown on my head and called me his bride and I will praise him with my whole life. Only he can save. Only he is worthy. Only One with Power to release me from sin, death, and the darkness of my own mind. Thank you Jesus. The one who died for me. The love I searched for my entire life was there all along. I just had to choose him.