My Testimony

My Testimony (full version)

“This is the story of how I died. But don’t worry, this is actually a good story, and the truth is it isn’t even mine,” -Flynn Ryder Tangled

This is the revealing of the Truth of Jesus Christ, through my life, up until this present day.

I was born Melissa Ann Renee Barras, in Chino Valley, Arizona, and I am a friend of God. I was the spoiled rotten prodigal. I like to say that I was unfairly dealt, the Lord heavy being handed with his gifts and blessings. Like all of you I was born a slave to the desires of this flesh suit I wear, and through the power of the Holy Spirit day-by-day I am learning to walk in freedom. The Lord Jesus has delivered me from a life of fear and striving and has given me faith, in the hope of a heavenly inheritance. That is, the Kingdom of Jesus Christ, My beloved bridegroom. Each day is a gift, and I now give my life working the family business, and trusting I will reap a heavenly reward for my earthly toil. Because he loved me, even in the darkness of my sin he called me worthy, he came running in and brought me back. He broke my chains of addiction and gave me a new life. Through growth in the knowledge of God, prayer, therapy, and working the 12 steps of celebrate recovery, He restored my mind, my memory, my mental health, my physical health, my relationship with my children, and gave me the ability to be present, content, and fulfilled in my day-to-day life. I was dead inside, lost with no hope. He gave me a new name, a new identity, and power and authority to trample over the enemy. Then He gave me a vision, a strategic plan for my good, to bless his children and glorify His name. He showed me the race set before me and how to stay in my own lane. He gave me the playbook, and a family of Spirit and blood. I am alive today only because Jesus is alive; and because He is alive in me. I am a walking string of miracles and my life is a testimony of the faithful love of God that pursues us, through Christ Jesus. From prostitute to priestess, all hail King Jesus!

Before I talk about my childhood I want to honor my parents for everything they did for me and for never giving up on me or on God. I thank them for all the silent prayers they spoke over my siblings and I, and for believing in us. Though they were imperfect humans they did their best to love and provide for us and for that I am forever grateful. The harsh truth is they did not have the capacity to connect with me emotionally in the way I needed. They both worked long hard hours, my father, a construction worker, wounded from betrayal and neglect, would detach and zone out on tv until bedtime and my mother, also wounded from neglect and abuse, was an ER nurse and young solo mother. She would keep running and running until she collapsed into bed in an attempt to never be alone with herself and feel her feelings. They kept us constantly busy with school, church, and every kind of extracurricular activity. This kept us out of trouble (at least for a while) and I never even knew I missed them. I am the well rounded woman I am today because of it. As an infant I learned to co-regulate with this go-go state of bodily stress known as “fight or flight” and it became my home base. This would lead to patterns of behavior that would cause my addictions and destructive behaviors later in life. My father left when I was about 2 and did not come back for almost a year. Through therapy I’ve discovered this caused deep somatic abandonment issues and resulted in an insecure attachment. I grew up in cycles of idolatry and codependency, completely lacking boundaries, people pleasing to my own detriment, and desperate to feel seen, heard, accepted, and worthy of love. Even though I was often one of the popular kids, I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the back pocket friend. Never the first choice. However, God in his grace blessed me from a young age with favor and protection. I was raised in church and baptized at the age of 7. I actually remember my very first sin. The way it felt in the pit of my stomach, conviction, when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes, even though I wasn’t allowed, and told him he could see me naked now. I broke up with him the next day, but my mom would describe me as “distraught” and say it had a “profound impact” on me. I also remember vividly believing that I could perform miracles in Jesus name and that He could lift me up off the playground so that others would believe. He gave me a vision then of my future, a vision I still hold onto to this day and will continue believing for. I knew even then, that I was born to be a mother raising God’s children, and to build and establish a strong family, as a pillar of godly community. I wanted to be the cool mom, the pinterest mom, the big house with all the “fun stuff” that the kids would come to play at. I dreamed of hosting the team sleepovers and prom after parties; to be the safe space for the neighborhood. I dreamed of my big white wedding and my Man of God that would complete my “power couple” but I had no idea how to practically live for Jesus or give him control of my life.

At the age of 15, the delusion I had of my perfect life was shattered. My first boyfriend, first love, first everything, left me for my best friend, my mom had an affair, resulting in my father leaving and moving to Texas without so much as a goodbye, and my brother was suffering from kidney failure. I felt completely abandoned and questioned the meaning of life. I went off the deep end, self harming, contemplating suicide, doing drugs, skipping school and striving for validation from men. I quickly gained a reputation for my skill in the bedroom, or dugout, or back of some loser's car and it gave me a false and short-lived sense of power. I felt desired and I liked that. My dad eventually came back and tried to make it work, living with my mom, for my sister and I until we graduated but obviously, that didn’t work out. I wrestled my dad to the ground while my mom and sister wrestled the gun out of his hands as he tried to take his own life. I looked in his eyes and he was gone; replaced with an animalistic rage, and it changed me. Everything my life was built on felt like a lie and I felt again utterly alone, doubting God and his love, unable to see him through the lens of my pain and greif. Then God in his grace sent me a helper and a guide. Poor guy, it was his first day as Pastor of the church and I couldn’t tell you what he said but the Spirit of the Lord was upon us that day and after service I went up and poured my heart into his hands. Pastor John Challinor at Heights Church Prescott Valley, probably saved my life that day. He began to mentor me and gave me one of my first journals, and a bible to study. He met with me weekly and I began to grow in the faith. I was being blessed and favored and was helping out in the college ministry at 15. I was shown a special exception to go on a mission trip to Haiti. All participants are usually required to be 18 or older.

I met My husband there, he was our interpreter, and the pastor's son and I believed him to be my man of God. As he showed us pictures of the carnage of the earthquake and laughed, I mistook his lack of empathy (a survival mechanism resulting from trauma and heinous abuse) as the joy of the Lord and peace surpassing understanding. His lack of emotional availability was all I'd ever known. What should’ve been a red flag was what drew me to him and even at the time I didn’t understand it. I had a boyfriend when I went on the trip so “nothing happened “ with him then. My boyfriend, however, broke up with me the moment I got back; convinced I had cheated on him. I might as well have. I lusted after Michael in my heart and I can still feel his hot breath in my ear, begging for me, the night before our team left. Once back in the states, I found him on facebook and we quickly began dating. I was 15 and he was 22. He was my first narcissist. When his fathers business partner, after constant attempts to break us up via harassment, outed him for cheating with her, I proposed an open relationship. I moved to California with my dad and without any boundaries I ran wild. I started going by MissiAnn, a nickname my dad called me from childhood (que daddy issues). I began shoplifting, doing every drug I could get my hands on, and pulling every guy I wanted whether or not he was single. We partied every night and drunk drove all over LA and Orange county. We spent weekends blacked out in motels full of marines. I was raped multiple times, only remembering flashes of unknown men having their way with me. I didn’t even care. It’s a miracle I survived, let alone without a record or an std. I got let off by the cops more times than I can even count. Eventually I got busted for smoking week on campus and they kicked me off of the cheer team. As a senior in high school I was devastated and embarrassed, I looked for a way out. My mom, who was anxious to get me away from the lifestyle I was living, begged me to move back to AZ. I agreed on one condition, that Michael move in with me. She obliged.

An open relationship quickly progressed to swinging and at 17 I found myself partying at bars and mansions, and having orgies with men and women 20 to 30 years older than me. The best topless pool parties were thrown by Phoenix PD officers. We got married two weeks after I turned 18. Around this time I was also introduced to network marketing and I began to see how there might be another way my life could go than the rat race I was raised to believe in. God’s vision for my life could be a reality. I was awakened to the fact that maybe the “get good grades, go to college, get a good job” method wasn’t for me. I began to study insurance, finance, and investing and fell in love with business. The Lord continued to draw me in, and my new husband and I began serving in the children's ministry and became members of Calvary Phx. A few weeks into our second semester however, my husband stopped going and not long after, in my embarrassment, I did too. We chased the image of success, buying new BMWs and moving into my dream apartment, furnishing it all brand new. Chasing the dream. I got up early every morning to pack his lunch and make his breakfast and cooked homemade meals every night. He became more and more obsessed with his image, wearing designer clothing, religious barber appointments, spending hours in the gym each day and picking up extra hours driving uber. The narcissistic abuse also progressed, verbal abuse, humiliation, reactive abuse, stonewalling, gaslightling, and more. I developed severe anxiety and depression and tried harder and harder to prove my worth. I believed I could heal his wounds if I just loved him with the love of Christ. I idolized being the ones that made it work, the couple that made it through but I was suffering deeply. I often cried myself to sleep, laying motionless as he had sex with me. I don’t even think he noticed. The anxiety got so bad that I often couldn’t leave my house. I got fired from my job for excessive absences which only made the devaluing worse from my husband and caused my self esteem to tank. I tried even harder. Planning a fancy anniversary dinner, he couldn’t even show up on time for the limo. I knew that night that it was over. However I gave him an ultimatum. Counseling, No passwords on your phone or computer, and monogamy until we get our marriage back to a healthy place. He treated it as a joke and came back with his own list shortly after: I had to clean the house to his specifications, work out 5 days a week for at least 2 hours, he kept his passwords, black people don’t go to counseling, ect. Then he attended a wedding in Florida, with his girlfriend. When he came back everything I owned was out of the place. I expected him to chase me but I underestimated his pride. He lived in a storage shed for months until he could afford to get his own place. He eventually came back apologizing and saying how good of a wife I was but it was years too late.

Again I was stuck trying to prove my worth. I colored and cut my hair, dove into my fashion designing morning and night, and began to sing for hours every day. I even auditioned for the voice. Just 4 months later I met the father of my kids. I was dating 12 different men at this time (talk about a God sized hole in my heart) but this narcissist was the only one who wasn’t instantly in love with me and that made him a challenge. I made it my mission to make him love me and ignored all of his toxic behaviors and red flags. I soon saw that there was a pure hearted little boy in there, who loves people, animals, life, and art, and who is called and anointed to do big things. I fell madly in love with him. I saw that he had deep wounds from childhood abuse and abandonment but I believed in the person he could be and thought I could heal him in time by just loving him with the love of Christ. He was the love of my life and out of our love were born my greatest miracles. We began planning a future together. My roommate at the time started webcamming and we decided we’d do it together. After just a few times I was recruited by the World famous Moonlight Bunny Ranch. A brothel in Reno NV. We discussed it and I started working there as a prostitute. Our situationship however had never become official. We fought constantly because he wanted me to send him money but wouldn’t commit to being my boyfriend. I broke things off and was introduced by another girl to my first street pimp. He taught me the game but my parents were suspicious and to be very honest I had no idea how very deep I was in danger. It was only a matter of time before his violent side could no longer be hidden. By God’s grace I was never assaulted, only threatened. I was, after all, daddys good little girl. Finally, I got him to put me on a plane home. I never looked back and hit up my bd up as soon as I touched down in Phoenix. He asked me for $500 immediately. I had 4 pimps total, including my BD who quickly quit his job to pimp me out after I ran off on my other pimp. I escorted for 2 years and it’s a miracle I survived, let alone never got, kidnapped, jacked up, robbed, or raped. I did get scammed a time or two but I consider myself highly blessed to get off so easy. As my ex and I fell deeper and deeper in love and the dates began to affect our relationship. I could see them breaking down his already fragile self esteem. I wanted to retire but he refused to get a job, months went by as he “searched” and the abuse escalated. I told him he wasn’t a man if he wouldn’t work for the woman he claimed to love. He broke down the door to my bathroom and threatened my life.

I remember the night God told us we would never get married. Because shortly after was the first time he assaulted me. He grabbed me by the throat, choking me and telling me to shut up, while I was driving. When he needed to “get his shit off” he would scream at me for hours as I sat there crying silently, I didn’t know at the time how much of it I was internalizing. Finally, I kicked him out. Two days later however, I found out I was pregnant. Perseus, my angel, was the answer to all my moms prayers and fasting and the beauty from my ashes. He changed the trajectory of my life. I ended my lease and got a job as a boutique manager at Ulta beauty. I also got into the embrace grace program at Gateway Church Scottsdale and began attending there. It was at that time the Spirit inspired me to start my company, a faith based family fashion brand centered on biblical encouragement and community. I fell in love with designing again and went back to school for a fashion design entrepreneur certificate.

My BD and I got “back together” but he didn’t want to live together again. I sensed his fear of commitment and gave him a hall pass, thinking that would fix it. He gave me multiple stds while I was pregnant and at 8 months his girlfriend contacted me as a woman, asking about our status and saying things were getting “serious" between them. I told her he was with me, always had been, and that I had given him permission to sleep with her. She was of course hurt and humiliated and she ran up on him and assaulted him at home. She also threatened me and her friends wrote all over my social media. I buried my hurt and told myself I didn’t even care because I felt in control. Time after time he abandoned me in my darkest moments and time after time I rescued him from his. However, I felt married to him. I loved him in all five languages and with a Corinthians love. I watched as he began changing, growing, letting the mask slip. God drawing him in as well. We started going to church together regularly, but I was fading, my identity and reality slowly being stripped away, internalizing all the lies of the enemy coming from his mouth, letting myself become isolated from my family and friends. The stress continued to rise and every month was a struggle. A fight to get his half of the bills paid, I was “always bleeding him dry” and “hiding money” or “double charging him.” I had to keep all my texts and receipts, constantly fight to prove my innocence and my worth. Every crisis, even the ones created by his delusion I had to solve alone. I found myself raising my babies on my own, physically drained from caretaking, working to provide for them financially, emotionally, physically, homeschooling them, striving to maintain a 4.0GPA myself. I was super mom and I was convinced I could do it all; trying to keep house, be a good wife, suck and fuck, cook, clean, run a business, be healthy, look sexy, go on dates, forgive and forget, make him feel respected. But as it goes with narcissists, nothing was ever good enough, he criticized and condemned me constantly. He lied pathologically and cheated emotionally. I began to question reality and lost trust in myself from systematic gaslighting, reactive abuse, and crazymaking. Every conversation went around and around in circles. Every promise was empty. He couldn't be held accountable for anything, and yet I could see in his eyes that he loved me. My heart broke. My trust disintegrated. How could he treat me like this? The enemy whispered “If he knows you better than anyone, if he loves you, what he says must be true.” I believed so many lies.

As I grew in Christ, I began to walk in near constant favor and blessings. He couldn’t stand that I was becoming unpredictable and less and less reactive, which drove him to be even more cruel, controlling, and manipulative. I wanted to die, not knowing I was already dead inside. My hair was falling out and I was in a near constant state of tachycardia. I had stomach and digestion problems and deep cracks in my heels that would bleed, I began to lose my memory and have brain fog. All the long term effects of walking around on eggshells at all times and a host of psychological abuse. I began to question reality and stopped caring for myself or my home. I cared for my children but only by going through the motions. When my daughter was born I couldn’t even bond with her because I just wanted to die. I lost nearly a year of connection with them, it is my greatest regret. I just gave up. A soft quit to life. I wasn’t just broken, but shattered into a million little pieces. I could feel in my sons acting out, the silent begging for my presence and attention, but pregnant, exhausted, physically fighting to survive, I just couldn’t pull myself out of it but I desperately wanted to be the mom they deserved. 2 weeks after we brought my daughter home at just 4lbs 13oz, my BD came home too drunk to take no for an answer. I remember calling the doctor's office first thing in the morning to ask about preventing infection and birth control and having the nurse mock me, saying condescendingly “ I keep waiting for one of you to come in pregnant at 6 weeks.” I hung up the phone and was too numb to cry. Well I wound up pregnant and truly believed that I would not make it through the first trimester. In fear with a baby not yet three months and a 3 year old, I made the mistake of choosing not to partner with what God wanted to birth into the Earth. As I took the abortion pill I flushed a precious gift from God down the toilet. Though I looked for her each trip to the bathroom, I could not see her, it was too early, but I still wonder what she would’ve been like. Glory to God, during this time my mom signed me up for a leadership class at Gateway/ Pillar Church Scottsdale and I was taught how to receive a word from the Lord. My entire life changed. The God of the universe would use me to speak? I was changed by the weight of the revelation. I began to get alone with him and ask him to speak; and to treasure His Word in my heart. He pulled me from the darkness and gave me eyes to see. I began to see myself and my life clearly for the first time. I started to seek His will for me and Jesus asked me to do something unimaginable; stay in my abusive relationship. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know that it would kill me.

I could take the abuse. I was tough but when it started happening in front of the kids a line was drawn. I began to stand up for myself and for them. That’s when the abuse turned physical again. We tried to go to counseling and it went very badly, as is often the case with narcissistic abuse. I blamed myself for everything, even pushing him to assault me. My reality was one of cognitive dissonance. Living a lie, choosing to believe the better over the reality. I remember telling my pastor's wife that I knew I was going to die, and that I would die for him, but that my kids needed me to live. She told me it was time to operate on facts not emotions but I didn’t know what was real anymore. Finally an argument happened and I realized he didn’t care if I lived or died. His wants were more important than my needs. His image, more important than my physical life and I was given the strength to kick him out for good. Then I found out about NPD. Everything that I had been describing for years finally made sense. I understood what happened to me. As I began to study and learn about the personality disorder, the tactics and the symptoms I turned and sought God, I asked him to heal me and I dove into reprogramming my mind and my nervous system. my clarity came back. He made me sharp again, gave me memory, focus, and organization skills my ADHD self would have killed for in school. He answered my prayers for an internal clock. A miracle for someone living with time blindness and executive dysfunction. In Christ I was reborn a completely different person. Like Saul to Paul he changed my name and the scales fell off. In a moment of turmoil he spoke to me, "That's not who you are anymore.” and I became Melissa again. Which I would soon discover to mean “servant of Jesus". As the storm raged he gave me for the first time a blessed assurance; the understanding that even if I lost everything leaving my ex, that it would be alright. God would be with me and he would bring me out the other side. And he brought me out with a promise that the seeds planted in that final season would bring forth the fruit of salvation and transformation for the father of my children; and I would break off 4+ generations of abuse for my children. He divinely inspired my first sermon and I began to preach to anyone who would listen but this walk is not meant to be done alone and as the warfare raged I was getting my sh*t rocked.

I prayed for the right people, a circle of faith, and a therapist, and my MIL recommended CR. It was everything I didn’t want to admit that I needed. My life wasn’t out of control * wink wink * But I loved this beautiful community. No one was trying to fix me, or change me; CR was just a bunch of real people being a HOT( honest, open, and transparent) mess. I found a home and a family in my darkest moments at Calvary Phx. The safe place where I would heal and grow and plant roots. Where I would learn to study the bible verse by verse and would begin to accept my true identity. My hair started to grow back, my nails got strong, my circulation improved and the deep cracks in my heels healed up, I lost 20lbs rapidly as my body came out of a survival state. The peace of God felt unnatural for months. Like I was waiting for something to happen. I started going to therapy twice a week and meetings on Mondays; working the 12 steps, having a deeply Spiritual experience, and God began to break down the mental strongholds that held me in cycles I didn’t want to repeat. I learned to set and hold boundaries. How to walk in honesty, integrity, and purity. I learned to cope with my overstimulation and accept a rhythm of rest. I learned to reset my body's frozen nervous system, easing myself out of survival modes. I learned new behaviors to care for myself and my home and began to take inventory daily, to track myself regularly, and systematically based on the 6 biblical pillars of my life. I asked God for vision and he gave me goals for each one. I tore down my altar to myself and my room full of idols so lovingly nicknamed my “dressing room” and I built a chapel, an altar to the Lord in the place he had delivered me from myself. I worshiped through fear and intense spiritual warfare, and I continue to believe in faith for what He’s spoken over my life. I let him heal me through a deep and personal daily walk and I let him use me to take the good news, the grace, and love of God to all I meet, guiding me to minister in every area of my life.

In God’s perfect timing I will be pursuing my degree in ministry online and continuing to build God’s kingdom through my brand, my parenting, and my life ministry. I am honored to serve my community, as a part of the Calvary CR worship team and Calvary kids Sunday school teacher. I am also humbled to serve on the altar ministry (prayer) team at Pillar Church and to co-host prayer meetings in my home Tuesday nights that are open to the public (please contact me if you’re interested in attending or receiving our emails). I post prayers, bible teachings, and prophetic words, on my Youtube channel and also regularly share the gospel through my life on instagram and my blog so check me out on social platforms @Melissa_arris. By the enabling of the Holy Spirit I am currently living/writing a devotional. A 12 week course for singles which is a guide to living the abundant Christian life promised to us in Christ based on scripture. I would appreciate your prayers, that I would have endurance to complete it and that hearts and lives would be changed by it.

Through the love and finished work of the cross, I was healed, transformed, and made new and through the hard work of heart work, accountability, working the 12 steps, and spending one on one time with God Almighty, I am now walking in victory over the weight of people’s opinions, narcissistic abuse, codependency, people pleasing, sexual immorality, lust, idolatry, anxiety, busyness, fear and shame. I am a slave of righteousness, and a bride hopelessly in love with my bridegroom. I will use my life to know Him, to worship Him, to love Him, to serve Him and to share the Truth, the good news about Him with all I encounter.

“One thing I ask of the LORD — the thing I seek most — is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD’s perfections and meditating in his temple.”

-Psalm 27:4(NLT)

In closing my prayer for you all is this: May you know the Truth and may it set you free.

Thank you for your time.